Friday, December 6, 2013

Life

I love it. I love my husband and my baby boy who is so sweet to his mama. I love the hugs, the kisses, the trains and the giggles. But right now, I'm struggling. I'm guilt stricken for even feeling the way I do but my heart hurts. I've spent the evening looking at scenes from Canyon's early days. My heart is so full of gratitude for the cute little man I have and those sweet moments, but it aches for the other littles ones I long for and I can't help but wonder what I've done wrong. I'm far from a perfect mother but I love that little man more than life itself.

I'm sorry for the depressing post. I guess things just don't go as planned and learning to love the way it turns out is part of the journey. Having a good attitude is easy 98% of the time, but the other 2% is so so hard. I wish I knew how it was going to turn out, prepare myself. I wish it was simple. But it's not. And there's no use complaining or crying about it. I just need to push through and enjoy all the blessings I have, because I have a heck of a lot of them.

Thanks for stinking around and for the support. I need every last drop of hope I can get. And I'm officially banning myself from looking at baby pictures at midnight....

3 comments:

Morgan said...

I'm sure anyone else would have something super inspiring to say, but being depressed is depressing. Seriously though - I get so irritated when I can't make myself be optimistic and cheerful! Give yourself a break girl. This has been a long, hard road and it's bound to get frustrating and discouraging at some points along the way. Some might say to buck up, but I prefer to let myself sit in the sadness for a few days and then emerge with a renewed determination to be trusting and have a positive outlook. It'll pass. :) Love you!

McKenzie said...

Give it time. Love Canyon to pieces and when another one comes around he'll be super excited too. (: You don't have to hide that 2% by the way, we all have times when we just wish we had a listening ear.

Bryce & Cherise said...

Love you girl! I won't tell you to buck up and be happy. I know you know all of the things you can do or should do or whatever. That 2% of the time, let yourself feel what you feel. It's certainly a worthy wonderful desire you have ,so I say, it's ok to be sad about it sometimes because you are such a grateful person the rest of the time!! :) I can't wait for your dream to come true! We'll be praying for you!