Life

I love it. I love my husband and my baby boy who is so sweet to his mama. I love the hugs, the kisses, the trains and the giggles. But right now, I'm struggling. I'm guilt stricken for even feeling the way I do but my heart hurts. I've spent the evening looking at scenes from Canyon's early days. My heart is so full of gratitude for the cute little man I have and those sweet moments, but it aches for the other littles ones I long for and I can't help but wonder what I've done wrong. I'm far from a perfect mother but I love that little man more than life itself.

I'm sorry for the depressing post. I guess things just don't go as planned and learning to love the way it turns out is part of the journey. Having a good attitude is easy 98% of the time, but the other 2% is so so hard. I wish I knew how it was going to turn out, prepare myself. I wish it was simple. But it's not. And there's no use complaining or crying about it. I just need to push through and enjoy all the blessings I have, because I have a heck of a lot of them.

Thanks for stinking around and for the support. I need every last drop of hope I can get. And I'm officially banning myself from looking at baby pictures at midnight....

October

October is my tender mercy. Words don't do justice to how great this October was so here's the proof.

 Zach and I decided to really decorate the trunk for trunk or treating this year. Zach had WAY too much fun with it. You can't see it in the pic, but the dry ice was totally awesome.

Spiderman:) He really really wanted to be the Flash but I couldn't find a pattern or a store bought costume so he settled for the web slinger. 

There's a super cute pumpkin patch not far from us that has hay rides, animals, corn mazes, slides and tons of other fun and free activities. Canyon loved every second and can't wait to go back next year.

Working on his name. We are still working on holding a pencil correctly so this was a fun break from that. It really worked his fine motor skills and he loved seeing his name so big and with beans!

Every night since Halloween Canyon asks if it's time to go trick or treating when it gets dark. Poor kid. He's got a whole year to wait.

Now that we are in November I can't wait for the holidays. Each and every year I feel more and more gratitude for all that I have. Hope you are all well and enjoying the beginning of what is sure to be a great holiday season!

Painting is serious business

Canyon and I decided to paint a birdhouse I had laying around. He was so intent on the project that when I tried to make a funny he told me to be serious. I love this little boy.

PS I'm struggling with how he holds pencils, crayons, etc. Any tips on helping him do it correctly? Thanks!

PCOS Diet

In the throws of depression I stumbled upon an amazing blog that has me looking for the hope in all of this. Tarryn of PCOS Diet Support is my new best friend-ish. Not only does she help with the diet side of battling PCOS but she is always posting to encourage and inspire. Her site is exactly what I need.

Today marked the first day of my sugar-free, dairy free, and processed-free diet. I'm doing a-okay so far...and it's 10:45 am. Hmmm, I guess I'll do a progress report later this week about how I'm feeling. You'll get a better idea of how the diet is affecting me.

I really wanted to say thanks for all the support. Yesterday's post wasn't to throw a pity party but to get it out and move on. I'm so grateful for the kind words I received in response. Thanks! At this rate, maybe Hawkins baby #2 won't be too far out of reach!

Change

I'm a fan. Big fan. But sometimes is scares me silly. Today marks a big change.

I still don't know how to formulate the words for my struggles and honestly most of the time I don't want to. I try to keep things light here on the blog but I guess I need to get things out and maybe the change will be easier.

Last week, Zach and I found out that I have PCOS. An ultrasound confirmed our suspicions and showed many many cysts. While poly cystic ovarian syndrome is not an impossible obstacle to overcome, it is making things difficult. Financially we aren't in a place to continue working out our infertility issues so I'm going to start where I can, tackling the PCOS with diet, exercise and herbs.

Well, that was depressing, but it's out. Now to take the leap forward and be done with hiding the pain and loneliness that comes from infertility. I'm going to keep up on here with my progress and maybe I will be able to find strength in the words of friends of family. Who knows, maybe my journey will inspire others around me. Thanks for always being a support, and I hope I don't drive you bonkers with all this:)

Yard Sales

I'm a little addicted. I get so excited when I can find brand new things for $.50.

Except when you forget that your child has an abnormally large head...

Looks like I need to buy one that would fit your average 5 year old. What a shame...at least the bike was only $3:)

Mom

I'm no writer. I often find it hard to put my deep emotion into script but today I feel the need to simply say thank you to my mom.

I can admit I was ungrateful. As a teenager and even my early years after leaving home I didn't understand the commitment and love my mom had given me my entire life. It was when I heard the beating of my own son's heart through that amazing machine that I felt the connection. It wasn't just a connection to my baby boy but the connection of generations past. I was part of the chain.

I love you, Mom. You are my hero, and I'm so glad you put up with talking to me on the phone 5+ times a day since we hardly see each other any more. Thanks for coming to all my soccer games, softball games, volleyball games, orchestra recitals, young women's activities (probably not by choice;) and every other tiny insignificant events that I had going on. I'm sorry I didn't realize until I was far to far away how much you mean to me. I'm glad we have the rest of our lives to be best friends.

=

And I'm so glad that we have an eternal family:)

love, 

Seasonal blues

I was trying super hard to keep depression out of the title. I'm pretty sure I want to keep things happy on here:) In all seriousness, anyone else feel like January and February and all that is cold can bring the blues? This year I really felt it. Yesterday shooed those blues out the window and welcomed the sunny and fun days that I live for.

I started the day off with one of my favorite 5k races, The Provo City Marathon, half-marathon and chase the mayor 5k. I know it's lame and only 3.1 miles but it's always a good start to my racing season. I really wanted to make it in under 30 minutes and I actually did it! While beating 30 minutes is far from reaching Olympic heights, it totally made my morning. Not to mention the cute boys who were there to cheer me on near the finish line.

Canyon was sad that he didn't have race numbers so to cheer him up we made him a little race bib. Oh and I guess the next race I do I'll have to push him along, he was SO mad he didn't get to run to the finish line. So we raced to the car, he won:)

 After showering and getting some things done at home, we all headed to the Springville Splash Pad. Zach helped with the design so we really wanted to see how it turned out. Canyon played for and hour and half and was pretty sad to leave (although he takes after me and takes a REALLY long time to warm up to the idea of water...)  It is such a cool little park. Go check it out.

After the splash pad we played around town and then headed up for some pretty extensive family pictures with Zach's entire family. We had fun and I can't wait to see how they all turned out. After pics the whole family gathered for games and dessert.

Saturday was really a great kickstart into summer. Warm and full of outdoor fun. I'm sort of wishing we lived somewhere where it stayed warm all the time...hmmm....Maybe in a few years;)

Reclaimologist Boutique in Spanish Fork

Jessica and I were so excited to attend our debut boutique this weekend. I'll be honest, this last week has been stressful and we are SO exhausted but it was so worth it. Our booth was a little thrown together but we really loved how it turned out.

The first day went so well that I had to go home at the end and sew 30 new pillows, clearing out my entire stock of fabric! I loved telling Zach that I'm finally doing something that I absolutely love. Canyon was a big helper the first day and stayed for 6 hours! He loved wondering to pick up trash and getting treats for doing it. I'm really excited for the next show!

A little like my dad

I might have made my mom tear up a little today. I told her I was nothing special. I feel very mediocre at a lot of things... well rounded I guess. You can imagine my surprise when a cute boutique in Pleasant Grove bought $300 worth of pillows I had made to sell in their store.

Back in February a friend and I started a small business called Pink Lemonade. We really just wanted to fill a life long dream of having a fun booth at a boutique and it sort of blossomed. The boutique is in a little over a week and we have already sold nearly $2000 in product. I am lucky. I'm lucky to have a supportive husband and the greatest friends and family. I'm amazed how much I love doing all of...this....

I guess I inherited a little of the entrepreneurial spirit that my dad overflows with. It's nice to have something in common with your hero:)

Milestones

Used to be:

              Graduating
             Getting into BYU
              Getting Married
              Pregnancy


Now:

          C announcing to me that he needs to go potty BEFORE wetting himself..

I'm one happy momma:)

Gone Country

My dad is a city boy. He was never one for the country music or rodeos. I always thought I'd raise my kids different. Then I started dating Zach. He and my dad are two peas in a pod when it comes to the western way of life. I just had to let go of my dreams of having stables and horses and the like.

Then the stars aligned when we moved down to Spanish Fork. My husband is going little more country each day. You want proof?

 We are now the proud owners of four lovely chicks....

Even cooler than those cute chicks? The awesome coop my husband built from all scrap lumber. He did not buy a single piece of wood for this project. I'm totally in love with every part of it, and him of course.

Extra! Extra!

It's been a while. I always put off blogging because 'nothing exciting has happened' and then I start to think about it and all sorts of things are happening.

After two weeks in Sunbeams I was released (seriously that bad:) and put into the new primary presidency. Zach got called to be a Scout leader and wore his old scout uniform the other night and I might have made fun of him a little bit....Not because scouting is silly or anything, I just have never seen him wear it and it reminds me of the boys I chased when I was 12.

Canyon is transforming into my stubborn 3 year old. I remember last year I mentioned that Canyon hadn't ever really hit the terrible twos and a friend said just wait. She explained that boys often hit that stage at the ripe old age of 3. She called it. We have fun and he's a good kid but boy do we work through a lot of crying and fits....hopefully it doesn't last too long.

My in home daycare is doing very well. The last two weeks I've averaged 4 three year olds and a 7 month for the majority of every day. We have hard days but for the most part we all have a blast.

Not much else is happening here at the Hawkins' home except maybe a little of this...

Don't worry, I don't let the kids climb up here. After the kids went home today I took a bathroom break and came back to my little climber:)